Need Critic for this Writing Style

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MilesStar
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Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by MilesStar » Mon Nov 26, 2012 1:08 am

Hello, long time no see. This first chapter is a writing experiment for a future short story about a cheerleader who becomes a werewolf and battle werewolf monsters while she uses her powers to improve her cheerleader skills. I am working on another novel right now, but I want to know how good this third person style is. It is suppose to be more visual without explaining the thoughts within the characters. They will do all the explaining. I haven't thought of the plot yet; it is just the beginning so far. It introduces the villain and what readers will expect.


THE
WEREWOLF
Cheerleader


Howl One



A full moon glows above a dark forest with pine trees being cover by shadows. The needles among the trees glisten green under the bright moonlight. Loud clicking of Grasshoppers are echoing and an owl hooting in the woods.

Deeper in the forest, another sound emerges. The sound is giggling and running footsteps on a dirt trail.

Across the trail is a running laughing teenage blonde girl wearing a white shirt and short jeans. Chasing her is Brawly, wearing a gray football uniform without a helmet on his spiky smooth brown hair.

“You can’t catch me!” the girl tease.

“Oh I definitely think so!” Brawly warns.

“WHROO!” the girl yelps as Brawly tackles her.

Both of them land gently on a bed of flowers next to a tree. The girl is on the ground as Brawly lay on top of her.

“Geez. . . You are fast,” the girl whispers as her cheeks turn pink and her blue eyes glace into Brawly’s yellow eyes.

“The better to tackle your opponents my dear,” Brawly say romantically.

Slowly he smooches the girl, sucking her lips as she sucks back.

While kissing, the girl’s left hand rubs against Brawly’s muscle arm. His arm is smooth and rock solid.

However, tiny brown hair grows under the girl’s hand on Brawly’s upper arm. Bits of them grow faster.

The girl pause and stares at Brawly’s left arm, noticing what looks like fur growing. “Oh Brawly your arms are hairy.”

“The better to feel smooth my dear,” Brawly whispers.

The girl raise her lips back to Brawly’s mouth, making sucking sounds, while Brawly stroke her hair.

Her eyes see Brawly’s ears stretching upwards, turning pointy. Then small specks of hair appear around them.

She pushes Brawly up a bit to pause the kissing. “Brawly. . . Your ears look like they are turning pointy.”

“The better to hear your kiss my dear,” Brawly say.

His eyes, not only yellow, but they now appear to be larger.

“Brawly . . . what big eyes you have,” the girl says in astonishment.

Brawly smiles. “The better to see you my dear.”

Within his grin, his teeth grow into sharp and pointy, over his lower lip.

“Brawly . . . what big fangs you have,” the girl acknowledge as she point her finger at Brawly’s mouth.

His smile turns into a sinister grin. “The better to eat you my dear.”

“Huh?”

Brawly roars as his mouth expand wide open, revealing his monstrous fangs within his drooling jaws. The girl screams for the last time.

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Ceta
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Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by Ceta » Sun Dec 16, 2012 4:28 am

I'll post a critique as soon as I can. I've been trying to find the time to reply ever since you first posted this but I've been swamped with work and have had zero chances to sit down and write. So, don't worry; we're not ignoring you or anything. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to post something later today but, if not, probably within the next day or two since my work load looks to be lightening up a bit this coming week.

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Zephio
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Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by Zephio » Thu Dec 20, 2012 5:09 am

So...
Story wise? I thought it was interesting. It's a cool take on the classic tale. Especially because I feel like this story can feel like it's been overdone very easily. Yours worked. It was a good read.
But writing style wise? Nothing too special. It wasn't spectacular.

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Ceta
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Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by Ceta » Fri Dec 21, 2012 6:36 am

Sorry I haven't posted anything. Been out of commission with the stomach flu. I'll post once I've recovered.

MilesStar
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Location: America

Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by MilesStar » Sat Jan 05, 2013 2:35 am

Well should there be more description or it is fine with a few words. Basically I want to write a style that focus on the story line without going off with a lot of information.

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Zephio
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Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by Zephio » Sat Jan 05, 2013 10:57 pm

If you're aiming to write a book or anything like that, descriptions are key. You have to bring me, the reader, into the story. It's hard to write a story with few descriptions or very little details because the only thing that keeps me interested is the plot. That's not to say you can't do it. Plays, for example, have little to no description/details and are mostly dialogue and plot. It's just hard to do because the plot better be constantly interesting.

Personally, I didn't mind the writing style. But then again, it was just a short read. I'm not sure how it'll translate once more is written. Try it! Continue writing like this and see how it goes. Would love to read more.

MilesStar
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Joined: Wed Jun 27, 2007 7:54 pm
Location: America

Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by MilesStar » Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:10 pm

Thank you. I could also try this style in first person for my other stories.

Peptalk
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Re: Need Critic for this Writing Style

Post by Peptalk » Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:06 pm

if your looking for stories that relies a LOT on visual presentation then i suggest that you read Vampire Kisses...
Onee

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