NEED!!!!! critiques

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isaac black
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Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:26 pm

NEED!!!!! critiques

Post by isaac black » Thu Jul 26, 2012 3:25 pm

i have some ideas for manga that were laying around for a while
i REALLY want to go somewhere with them but before i go any further i would like to get ya'll take on'em

here is the first

Plot
In an age of knights in shining armor, dragons, demons, witches, and magical weapons there were five tribes, the red star tribe (fire), the tan star tribe (earth), the indigo star tribe (sea), the purple star tribe (soul), and the black star tribe (cosmos). These tribes are each affected by their tribes respective star, all of which fell from the sky many years ago in an event called ‘’ the sky quake’’. These stars affect each tribe’s personality, desires, and love interests. It also endows them with some ‘’unique’’ abilities. Now in modern society these tribes have been all but integrated, but all is not as it seems. Every winter you can hear a song, almost like a lullaby. This song signals the fight, a fight wherein all tribes participate and no tribe member is safe. Nobody knows what compels them to fight but all know the destruction they can cause. So instead of letting fighter from all the tribes run around freely a tournament was put in place. The tournament allows fighters from any of the clans to enter and fight for the honor of their clan and for an ‘upgrade’ of their star power, so far only members of one of the five tribes were allowed to enter the tournament but recently two humans were allowed to enter but were both killed during the semi-finals. A young boy aspiring to be a boxer is training late one night at the gym he lives atop, he suddenly hears a large crash in the alleyway on the side of the gym. He investigates the sound only to find a brightly glowing white pod, in the pod he sees a young girl. On closer examination he finds that she is not from around or even Japanese, the girl then opens her eyes and when she catches glimpse of him she jumps up and kisses him on the lips. Surprised he tries to pull her away but she has amazing strength and grips to him tightly. He finally manages to get her off only to find himself glowing with the same light she is glowing with. The girl then says; you now serve me. He finds out that she is a member of a new never before heard of ‘white clan of heaven’ (heaven clan for short). Now he has to protect her while also finding out her origins AND learning how to harness his new abilities given to him by ‘the white light’. Can he juggle school, boxing, and keeping the only know member of an ancient clan safe from every other clan who might want a piece?

Title: lost in Eden
Genre: comedy, action, supernatural, martial arts, seinen, ecchi


and the second

Plot
Before there was time there was darkness, and in that darkness resided the great old ones. We know them as gods and angels, devils and demons. The truth is not so simple, the great old ones existed before the universe in an ever expanding darkness, and they fed off that darkness and in doing so prevented any other life from prospering. One day the old one known as ‘he who fills the void’ called forth the end of their reign. He said that they had their time and now they must let other life forms flourish across the cosmos. Most were in agreement but some were against his ideals and stood in his path. A war began amongst them, it was cataclysmic in scale but since life never truly began the fighting was inconsequential. In the end the war was won by one who was hence forth know as the light bearer Lucifer. Lucifer imprisoned the other old ones so they won’t be able to interfere with his plans any longer. Life began and the universe came into existence, but at a cost. Lucifer had to sacrifice himself to create a universe that can sustain life. Before he vanished into the big bang he swore that he would come back in a different form should life be threatened. This is where ten comes in; he is the reincarnation of Lucifer meaning that the balance between the light and the void has been shifted. He is soon plunged into a world of sin and sacrifice and has to prevent the church of beauty and grace from resurrecting ‘the elder king’ and plunging everything back into darkness.

title:CROSSFIRE

and number three

Komori and ton, two young men from different backgrounds and upbringings. At first glance you can see that they have nothing in common but not many people know that they have one common thread that connects them, music. They don’t know it at first but their fates will soon intertwine when a young woman from Osaka enters their class ends up making a big fuss. At first they don’t pay her any mind and go on with their lives but she soon catches ton practicing after class and later finds komori singing in the meat packing plant were he works. She confronts both of them and asks them to form a band with her. At first they shoot her down without hesitation but that does not deter her in any way. When the two boys finally think their done with her they catch wind of an upcoming music competition with a huge cash prize. With ton needing the money for repairs to his room and komori wanting new furniture for his apartment they decide they have nothing to lose and join her band. This brings the two back to Jaakuna who is ecstatic about the competition and who has already singed the two of them in without them knowing. With all of them already having a background in music all they needed to do was get the ball rolling, the band was pretty much formed for them since they all did something different. Ton was on guitar, komori took the mic and Jaakuna sat at her ‘’throne’’ picked up her sticks and whaled away at her drum set. They easily make it passed the preliminary rounds using covers of other artists and make it to the semi finals, from that point there is no going back, come to find out that this competition was not only to win money but a test bands took to enter the world stage competition in which bands from all over the globe preform to earn the nova cup, a prestigious honor given to only the greatest of groups. They now have to face bands from all over the world in a no holds bars competion. Music is no longer a hobby for them but a fulltime job.

Manga type: Slice of Life, Shoujo, Mature, drama

title: instruMENTAL

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Ceta
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Re: NEED!!!!! critiques

Post by Ceta » Thu Jul 26, 2012 8:18 pm

I hope this helps. My opinions:
isaac black wrote:
here is the first

Plot
In an age of knights in shining armor, dragons, demons, witches, and magical weapons there were five tribes, the red star tribe (fire), the tan star tribe (earth), the indigo star tribe (sea), the purple star tribe (soul), and the black star tribe (cosmos). These tribes are each affected by their tribes respective star, all of which fell from the sky many years ago in an event called ‘’ the sky quake’’. These stars affect each tribe’s personality, desires, and love interests. It also endows them with some ‘’unique’’ abilities. Now in modern society these tribes have been all but integrated, but all is not as it seems. Every winter you can hear a song, almost like a lullaby. This song signals the fight, a fight wherein all tribes participate and no tribe member is safe. Nobody knows what compels them to fight but all know the destruction they can cause. So instead of letting fighter from all the tribes run around freely a tournament was put in place. The tournament allows fighters from any of the clans to enter and fight for the honor of their clan and for an ‘upgrade’ of their star power, so far only members of one of the five tribes were allowed to enter the tournament but recently two humans were allowed to enter but were both killed during the semi-finals. A young boy aspiring to be a boxer is training late one night at the gym he lives atop, he suddenly hears a large crash in the alleyway on the side of the gym. He investigates the sound only to find a brightly glowing white pod, in the pod he sees a young girl. On closer examination he finds that she is not from around or even Japanese, the girl then opens her eyes and when she catches glimpse of him she jumps up and kisses him on the lips. Surprised he tries to pull her away but she has amazing strength and grips to him tightly. He finally manages to get her off only to find himself glowing with the same light she is glowing with. The girl then says; you now serve me. He finds out that she is a member of a new never before heard of ‘white clan of heaven’ (heaven clan for short). Now he has to protect her while also finding out her origins AND learning how to harness his new abilities given to him by ‘the white light’. Can he juggle school, boxing, and keeping the only know member of an ancient clan safe from every other clan who might want a piece?

Title: lost in Eden
Genre: comedy, action, supernatural, martial arts, seinen, ecchi
This one seems pretty interesting but has some areas that need a little work. For instance, the story setting seems like it'd take place in a different world that doesn't have the similar settings as what we have here in the real world. In a way, the setting kind of reminds me of 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' so I think that creating a new world for the setting would be a good idea. Also, having each tribe with their own fighting style would be a good idea; whether their fighting styles allow them to use super abilities, however, is up to you.

There are a few points that raise some concern or need some revision:
On closer examination he finds that she is not from around or even Japanese
Considering what you wish to do with the story, you should definitely set things in a fictional world. It'll work out better and give you more freedom to set the rules of how you want the story to go. Setting this kind of story in the real world is like trying to fit an elephant into a shoe box; you can try, but the end result may not be what you were hoping for.
A young boy aspiring to be a boxer
Like with the location, choosing a specific real world fighting style really limits what you can do. Creating a fictional style, will allow you to go wild with special moves and attacks and in general allow you to have more fun since it's all limited to your imagination.
Can he juggle school, boxing, and keeping the only know member of an ancient clan safe from every other clan who might want a piece?
I think the story would work better with a caste system in place -- only those of privilege (i.e. rich and/or intellectually gifted) would be able to receive a higher education while the poor or not so intellectual would focus their time and energy on training in the style of their tribe. Going about things in this manner would make it easier on the character to excel in training without getting hindered by anything unnecessary. Also, this would ensure that he is taking part in the battles since having the setting in the real world would mean that he could find a way to opt out of fighting.
Now in modern society these tribes have been all but integrated, but all is not as it seems.
If you decide to change the setting to a fictional world, then I highly suggest having the villages/cities separate so that each child can grow up raised in the knowledge of their tribe's heritage and fighting style. While there would be a few cities that would be like central hubs for people of all backgrounds, there should be spots for each tribe in various locations, much like embassies.
so far only members of one of the five tribes were allowed to enter the tournament but recently two humans were allowed to enter but were both killed during the semi-finals
Are the members of the tribes not human? I don't quite understand. In addition, if both were killed during the semi-finals, how did they die? Were they fighting each other, ending in a draw? Or were they fighting someone/something? If they were fighting someone/something, then how many people are allowed to be in the ring at the same time? When you said 'tournament', I had thought that the battles were one-on-one. Was I mistaken?

Anyway, I think that you should just stick to people being members of the tribes and avoid making anyone just a normal human. If you're working from a caste system, the ones that won't have any powers/special abilities will be the ones of the upper class since they won't have the combat training/experience like those in the lower class.


--> Some areas that I don't quite understand:
1) If the story is mostly centered around the tournament, how does the 'age of knights in shining armor, dragons, demons, witches, and magical weapons' come into play? I can understand some of the things appearing, for instance witches and magical weapons, but not all. You should simplify things a little bit so that it doesn't feel like you're forcing as much as possible into the storyline.

2) Is the tournament supposed to be a fight to the death? Or is it like a normal tournament in which the person who is KOed or knocked out of the ring loses?

3) What does the star power do? How does one benefit from attaining it? (Although you stated that no one knows why they fight, I would think that trying to obtain the star power is a perfectly reasonable thing to fight for if what is gained is truly worth it.)

4) How many people are in the 'White Clan of Heaven'? Personally, rather than making it a new tribe, you should make it a tribe that everyone though had died out a long time ago. If you make it a new tribe, then it'll seem like there won't be much depth to the amount of skills/abilities that the main character gains other than becoming a human nightlight. Also, with that history, he'll be able to access more knowledge as he goes via instinct or be taught by his new 'master'.

5) Who can hear the lullaby? Everyone, no matter what tribe? Or just a random chosen few from each tribe? If it's just a random chosen few, how does one prove they can hear it? If there is no way to prove it, anyone is able to lie about it to participate. It's probably easier to change this to something a little more tangible; make it so everyone can hear it, regardless of whether they can fight or not; or, just do away with the lullaby completely. (Personally, I think that a song like a lullaby would probably encourage people go to sleep rather than encourage them to fight. Now, rock music on the other hand.... (Just kidding. (^_~) ))


and the second

Plot
Before there was time there was darkness, and in that darkness resided the great old ones. We know them as gods and angels, devils and demons. The truth is not so simple, the great old ones existed before the universe in an ever expanding darkness, and they fed off that darkness and in doing so prevented any other life from prospering. One day the old one known as ‘he who fills the void’ called forth the end of their reign. He said that they had their time and now they must let other life forms flourish across the cosmos. Most were in agreement but some were against his ideals and stood in his path. A war began amongst them, it was cataclysmic in scale but since life never truly began the fighting was inconsequential. In the end the war was won by one who was hence forth know as the light bearer Lucifer. Lucifer imprisoned the other old ones so they won’t be able to interfere with his plans any longer. Life began and the universe came into existence, but at a cost. Lucifer had to sacrifice himself to create a universe that can sustain life. Before he vanished into the big bang he swore that he would come back in a different form should life be threatened. This is where ten comes in; he is the reincarnation of Lucifer meaning that the balance between the light and the void has been shifted. He is soon plunged into a world of sin and sacrifice and has to prevent the church of beauty and grace from resurrecting ‘the elder king’ and plunging everything back into darkness.

title:CROSSFIRE
Personally, I think this one wouldn't go over too well due to the religious themes. In conversations, there are two types of topics that can get people really riled up: Politics and religion. If you're knowledgeable and are able to discuss things in a way that won't rub you or the other person the wrong way, it's fine but generally I find both quite hard to discuss without something like that happening. That said, the same can be said for stories; you have to be very careful with any stories dealing in politics or religion since any small detail can really cause much unwanted backlash. There are some parts that can be salvaged -- for example, the part about the resurrection of 'the elder king' and plunging everything back into darkness -- but most of the story idea either needs to be changed or scrapped entirely.

and number three

Komori and ton, two young men from different backgrounds and upbringings. At first glance you can see that they have nothing in common but not many people know that they have one common thread that connects them, music. They don’t know it at first but their fates will soon intertwine when a young woman from Osaka enters their class ends up making a big fuss. At first they don’t pay her any mind and go on with their lives but she soon catches ton practicing after class and later finds komori singing in the meat packing plant were he works. She confronts both of them and asks them to form a band with her. At first they shoot her down without hesitation but that does not deter her in any way. When the two boys finally think their done with her they catch wind of an upcoming music competition with a huge cash prize. With ton needing the money for repairs to his room and komori wanting new furniture for his apartment they decide they have nothing to lose and join her band. This brings the two back to Jaakuna who is ecstatic about the competition and who has already singed the two of them in without them knowing. With all of them already having a background in music all they needed to do was get the ball rolling, the band was pretty much formed for them since they all did something different. Ton was on guitar, komori took the mic and Jaakuna sat at her ‘’throne’’ picked up her sticks and whaled away at her drum set. They easily make it passed the preliminary rounds using covers of other artists and make it to the semi finals, from that point there is no going back, come to find out that this competition was not only to win money but a test bands took to enter the world stage competition in which bands from all over the globe preform to earn the nova cup, a prestigious honor given to only the greatest of groups. They now have to face bands from all over the world in a no holds bars competion. Music is no longer a hobby for them but a fulltime job.

Manga type: Slice of Life, Shoujo, Mature, drama

title: instruMENTAL
I'm a little confused by the location of this story since you really didn't give any mention about it previously. Is it supposed to be set in Japan? Or is it set elsewhere? Unless you know an artist in Japan who can help you in drawing the manga, I really recommend setting the story for wherever it is that you live. In addition to making the story easier to write, this will make things much easier for the artist to draw. I speak on this from experience. It's hard to draw for someone when you've not been to the location nor have enough reference photos available to pull it off. (I ended up having to quit a project because of this.)

I'm also confused on the names. While I know that Komori is a Japanese name, I'm not sure where Ton and Jaakuna are supposed to originate. If the names are supposed to be Japanese, I can understand if Ton is a nickname but as a real name, I've never heard of it. (On a side note, seeing 'Ton' made me think he was the drummer, not Jaakuna.) As for Jaakuna, I've never heard of that one either. I know of a word that takes the same reading, but it'd never be used in a name.



-------------------------------

Sorry for getting a little bit long-winded with the first story. Personally, I find that one to be the most interesting of the three and possibly the one that would be the most interesting/fun to tell.

isaac black
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 2:26 pm

Re: NEED!!!!! critiques

Post by isaac black » Mon Jul 30, 2012 4:55 am

thank you for the input it REALLY HELPS
i hope i can count on further advice from you

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Ceta
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Posts: 1674
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:15 pm
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Re: NEED!!!!! critiques

Post by Ceta » Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:19 pm

You're welcome. ^_^

I'm here almost all the time, so if you have any questions or would like assistance/critiques, feel free to post any time and I (or someone else here on the boards, depending on who's faster) will try to respond in the best way possible.

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