Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Do you have a story for a manga you'd like to share or talk about? Then this is the place to be.

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kolosos007
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Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Post by kolosos007 » Sun Feb 26, 2012 7:55 pm

Hello mangaworkshop community! So i haven't posted in a while (i've been VERY busy), but recently i started working on my first serious attempt at writing a book/novel. It's called Sky PUNK and basically it's an adventurous story set in a steampunk/fantasy world of floating islands.

Here's the link so you can read the story yourselves(Well, what ive written SO FAR!): http://www.booksie.com/action_and_adven ... s/sky-punk

Let me know your thoughts! Also if there are any artists out there who would like to draw some of the main characters, let me know! :D

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major banana
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Re: Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Post by major banana » Tue Mar 27, 2012 3:29 pm

My only thoughts are that you make your world a little OBVIOUS, i mean yes, it's steampunk, yes people dress victorian, yes it's more 'raw' with the guns and violence. Unless you're writing for younger kids, we have an imagination and we've read steampunk before, we don't need all that obvious description. Maybe hide the descriptions a little more, kinda like William Gibson crams a description of an entire street and everyone in it, in one sentence, using words that the reader has never heard of, but still make sense.

Which brings me to the next 'problem': it's another steampunk story. Why would i continue reading? What makes it stand out? The first few paragraphs still leave the road open to a trigun kind of world, if you didn't give the VERY clear and simple explanation of how your stories world works. It's a quite dull industrial revolution society, with people who work, drink and sleep in a type of horrible slave way. And then a rich guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken brawl. I'm not sure if i'm supposed to root for the guy, for the bartender, for the whore or for the guy asleep upstairs? I'm not intrigued by anything in particular, nothing sparks my interest. I'm not a steampunk fan, so you don't instantly hook me with the premise of a steampunk story (now if it was a cyberpunk story,...) And then bam, you cut it off and go elsewhere with your story. You didn't have a cliffhanger yet, we're not pulled in by what just happened.

I gotta say you write really clear and clean and it has some 'hitchhikers guide to the galaxy' thing over it. I know instantly who's talking, what theyre doing, i can imagine their facial expressions and how they look. I'm not sure that's because you use characters that are overdone, or because you're good at projecting into words what you want your readers to read (I'm thinking it's more the second one). It has an overall feel of a story about nothing in particular, just some good old folk in that world, nothing too epic cause it doesn't have to be, if done right. Like miyazaki movies show, it doesn't have to be all too dramatic and epic (whisper of the heart) but if it doesn't spark interest right away, one way or another, not a lot of people will read on. Maybe you could have cut out a lot of the dialogue too, is it all really necessary for storytelling?



Now i don't want come off as a jerk and not specifically talking to you, kolosos007, but some of you writers are the same as those webcomic artists that start drawing manga out of nowhere, with no real skill or knowledge. I dunno, maybe someone should sticky this and put it on top of the writers forum. If you start writing out of nowhere, it might LOOK better than crappy drawing from an artist with no drawing skill, but that doesn't make it better. Read this:

http://www.superheronation.com/2009/02/ ... g-twilight

Yes, Twilight made millions, but her success is not because of her good writing, as you can see. But i'm just posting that site (helpful for writers, not so helpful for comic book writers (WAY too american) honestly ceta i'm not advertising) so you guys can see that writing isn't just 'starting to type up a story'. If you don't see the difference between your story and a published book with a similar style, then you obviously don't notice all the literary pitfalls and problems that a writer has to deal with.

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Ceta
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Re: Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Post by Ceta » Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:37 pm

major banana wrote:honestly ceta i'm not advertising
No worries. I know you posted it to help, so I don't mind in the slightest. ^_^

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Re: Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Post by kolosos007 » Sun Oct 28, 2012 11:33 pm

Wow. I know this is WAY too late (and sorry for necroing), but i've honestly forgotten about this post. I just wanted to say Thank you Major banana, i am truly grateful for your comment, and for that link. Yes i do see the difference and i DO realize i need a lot of fixing before the book is ready and i AM doing that (Almost finished the first draft, the book is now 61.000 words long and 80% finished! After i finish the first draft i WILL go back and rewrite/fix most of the writing because i've grown as a writer over the past year, and after THAT, a good friend of mine who's a literature major offered to do some professional-grade editing on the book, mostly for grammar/misspellings, and after that, hopefully, it'll be published ^_^

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Ceta
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Re: Your thoughts on my story - Sky PUNK

Post by Ceta » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:49 am

Since this is your thread, feel free to revive it to your heart's content. ^_^

Anyway, I'm not sure if Major Banana has been visiting lately, but in case he hasn't I'll say a few words on his behalf. (Hopefully he won't mind.) It's good to know that you took his advice and have been continuing to work on your book with all the suggestions that he put forth. Most of the time, people who come here looking for advice tend to get offended when people them their faults in a very straight-forward manner. As a result, they usually never come back again. That said, it's very good to hear the progress that you've been making since that time and I hope that you will continue to update us with your progress. Also, if you get your work published, don't forget to post information on where everyone can pick up a copy.

On behalf of Major Banana, I wish you the best of luck with everything and hope that you see some good results come out of all your hard work. (^_^)/

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