First Manga Story I'm Planning

Do you have a story for a manga you'd like to share or talk about? Then this is the place to be.

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jhorace
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First Manga Story I'm Planning

Post by jhorace » Sat Jan 01, 2011 2:10 am

Hi, I've been honing my skills for quite some time now on manga development. I've decided before I try my hand at a lengthy ongoing series I'm going to try a one shot story that's about several chapters long to build up experience.

I'm working on working names right now, but the final name for the story has yet to be determined. So far, I've got: "The Broken Root", "Raven's Song", "Cut"

The Plot: The Plot of the story is fairly simple: In ancient Gbaele, the son of the temple keeper has grown up with the lovely Rtlis, and he has come to wish for her hand. But alas, as he is a man of his god, it can never be. She herself has grown fair and beautiful. Often when he practices the rites of the cblwyrae, he can hear she laugh as she sings the songs their auntie taught them by the river bed. He could, if he yielded to temptation... see her, see her in all her noble beauty.

Then the day comes when her drunkard of a father is shamed in court. That pig glvaebirct demands her hand, and she must be handed over in marriage to a noble who will abuse her and toss her aside like such trash!

caught between his duty to the temple, and his desire for her welfare, he must choose to either protect her or be a coward. the pig may be a pig, but his father, the temple's benefactor is a righteous man, righteous and holy. How can our hero, cklavis choose? and yet, is he really acting out of Rtlis's welfare? Or just his selfish loins?

and then, it happens. In a moment of drunking rage, poor judgement for sure, as temple keepers are not allowed the sweet release of alcohol, Cklavis strikes down Rtis's husband in the night.

Now it it is the pig's father who must enact justice. Andn it is Cklavis who has revealed his shame to the community. A duel is prepared. But a man of the cloth is no match for a skilled Reidigger like Dveasif.

In the ring, at night, Cklavis spends one last night in the temple. Then, the next day, he must face the pigs father in Holy combat, a good man who truly does not deserve to die. and then...

Well, if you really want to know: It's supposed to be a tragic tale of a man who dies for love. So yes, Cklavis does die. But it's going to be brutal. Cklavis is brutally maimed and then killed. He is buried in the temple and given an honorable funeral, paid for by the pig's father.


critique?

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Ceta
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Post by Ceta » Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:11 pm

Two suggestions:

1) Spell-check, please. Also, please make sure that everything that needs to be capitalized (names of people/places, as well as the beginning of sentences) is capitalized. The fewer the errors, the better the results.

2) Not sure if it's the same for everyone else, but to me, the names are a bit hard to read. Please provide something to help with the readings or choose something a bit simpler.

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Post by a random ninja » Sat Jan 01, 2011 6:00 pm

it's not just you. i actually get the feeling he's either joking or trolling because all the names are basically unpronouncable.

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Ceta
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Post by Ceta » Sat Jan 01, 2011 7:39 pm

Hard to tell if someone is being serious or just trolling, so I reply to everyone in a serious manner just in case.

jhorace
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Post by jhorace » Sat Jan 01, 2011 8:46 pm

I'm no troll. Next time, I'll do spell check. Sorry for the inconvienience. (I kind of wrote out the whole thing in the post box from a notebook. It wasn't cut and paste.)

As to the names, they need to be simpler? Well, I can change them, no problem there. Anything else?

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Post by Ceta » Sun Jan 02, 2011 6:50 am

jhorace wrote:Next time, I'll do spell check.
If you click the Edit button, you can fix all your errors at your convenience.
Sorry for the inconvienience.
No big deal since it's not a complete work, but please keep in mind that the more errors there are, the more readers will become distracted and may not help you in the way(s) you're looking for.
(I kind of wrote out the whole thing in the post box from a notebook. It wasn't cut and paste.)
I'm not sure how fast you were typing, but take your time and double-check to make sure that what you're typing is what you want everyone to see.
As to the names, they need to be simpler? Well, I can change them, no problem there.
Glad to hear that. I was very confused as to how to pronounce those names as I was reading it.
Anything else?
The 'pig' and 'pig's father' stuff had me pretty confused. By the end, I wasn't able to tell which character you were referring to. In my opinion, the first time was fine, but the following instances aren't really necessary. In the final story, it may work just fine since you have a lot of time to really build the characters and allow the readers to really understand why you gave the labels but for this brief sum-up it makes things difficult to understand.

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Post by Zephio » Mon Jan 03, 2011 12:15 am

I actually really liked the names. They were old and ancient sounding and looking. I just think you need to, when you introduce the characters, make it so people know how to pronounce the names. That's just only my suggestion though.. :?

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