First attempt at writing a manga

Do you have a story for a manga you'd like to share or talk about? Then this is the place to be.

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kaanon
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First attempt at writing a manga

Post by kaanon » Tue Nov 30, 2010 1:30 am

closed thread
Last edited by kaanon on Thu Dec 09, 2010 3:29 am, edited 6 times in total.

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major banana
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Post by major banana » Wed Dec 01, 2010 10:09 am

This is more like a story for ANOTHER fantasy rpg.

I'd give you honest comments but you won't like them. So let me know if you want em or not.



Edited. Let's try not to scare off the new guy. ^_^ --Ceta

kaanon
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Post by kaanon » Wed Dec 01, 2010 1:41 pm

Well even if they are bad I would like to hear them. So please

a random ninja
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Post by a random ninja » Wed Dec 01, 2010 7:19 pm

bear in mind that this is all meant as constructively as possible. i'm not trying to be a dick here.

- your = ownership. you're= you are. you have some other grammatical issues here and there, but that was the most glaring.

- when you're writing a summary like this, you shouldn't describe things in your story by referencing things from other stuff. i've never seen break blade, so i have no idea what your buildings look like.

- some of the spells you came up with are actually pretty interesting. in particular i like the cancelling spell, the trajectory-distorting spell and the spell that allows the guy to see how an object works. the others are kinda meh.

-the whole 'control someone if they drink your blood while the spell is active' thing sounds a little impractical. how could he make someone drink his blood? or am i misunderstanding?

- i actually kind of like the idea of the people having a handful of unique spells. as far as the elemental stuff goes, 'molding' immediately makes me think of 'bending' which makes me think of avatar. on top of that, i think the elemental control stuff is not only cliche, but also unnecessary. it'd be far more interesting to me to see the characters fight/spy/sabotage/what-have-you with just their own handful of spells.

-pureblood/halfblood/blackblood all make me think of harry potter. and i'm sure i'm not the only one. not a huge deal, but i thought you should know.

-i mean this in the most helpful way possible: giving all your characters japanese names makes you look like a weaboo. unless you're japanese. which, of course, you could be. i don't know. but if you're not, then yeah...it just makes you look like a pretentious fanboy. you didn't set your story IN japan, at least, which is good. but by the same token, there's really no reason, in a fictional world, to give all your characters japanese names. this also applies to the term 'youkai.' and trust me, we tell everyone this. so don't feel singled out.

-i don't really know what you mean by 'the peak of technology.' we've never seen technology peak, so that could mean something different to everyone. and really, i'm not so sure technology ever really CAN peak. you may need to elaborate on that a bit more.

-yoshiro kinda sounds like a fruit. no offense. maybe that's how you intended him. i dunno.

-you talk about these peole allying and creating this new nation, but how exactly did that work? did they find some uncharted territory to settle this nation in? did they take over some other nation? did they use a nation that they already controlled?

-overall, this thing is riddled with shonen/rpg cliches...the backstory about the guardians and sealing away the power and all that is pretty been-there-done-that. no offense, but there's just nothing in in the history there that interests me. your main heroes all fit right into that shonen/rpg prime age group: mostly teens with the oldest being a positively ancient 21. the aforementioned elemental control thing is also pretty cliche. the big physically demanding event that the main characters are way too young to gain entry to without the help of a prominent leader figure's young daughter...it's not exactly screaming innovative. and don't get me wrong...you don't have to completely reinvent the wheel or come up with something earth-shattering every time you write a story, but this sounds like every mediocre shonen anime/manga and jrpg ever made.

again, i mean all these things in the most constructive way possible. you wanted honest opinions, so there's mine.

kaanon
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Post by kaanon » Wed Dec 01, 2010 10:31 pm

Thanks I really didn't notice those gramatical errors.

I was thinking he would force the person to drink his blood after he defeated them and was unconscious. I don't know if that is too impractical but I don't want him to be able to take control of people without giving them a chance first. Also I was thinking that this may also be a motive for him to release the seal because he thinks his spell will become easier to use and he would be able to take control of more people.

Hmm i will think over removing the element control thing, im sorta liking the whole spells only thing. I never really thought about it that way because I thought of using the elements first and then thought of the spells stuff.

The technology I was thinking was reaching a boom of sorts like an industrial boom. I should reword that.

I was already planning on changing the name since other people already told me the same thing.

These guys basically planned a rebellion and took over a part of existing nations. I thought I mentioned something about that, Ill check.

I couldn't think of a good history, I know I wanted the purebloods spells to be partially sealed because I wanted the something that would give the purebloods a chance to once again be able to dominate everyone else. Basically I wanted a greater evil if that makes sense.

I think that I should rewrite yoshiro's parts, I didn't really mean him to be a fruit. But I can see how people would think that.

Thanks for the review, it really helped. Those are some really good points you made, this was my first try doing something like this so I already knew I would have a lot of things to change. I will probably start making changes this weekend when I have some more time on my hands Thanks again.

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major banana
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Post by major banana » Thu Dec 02, 2010 3:16 pm

Pff i wasn't trying to scare him off

A random ninja pretty much said all that i had to say in a nice way, i couldn't agree more.

Here's one very big problem i see in your story: WARNING FOR RUROUNI KENSHIN OVA SPOILERS!


Child-Kenshin is in a group of refugee civilians who are chased by armed men and they get massacred, including the young pretty girl who gets brutally killed in front of his eyes. This sets the tone for the VERY dark, bloody story that follows in the rest of the OVA.

Your story sets a very epic tone in a big history full of epic intrigues and wars. Then you start off chapter one like a teensy weensy roleplay game with a bunch of teenagers acting like teenagers. And later they get thrown in the epicness of the story you first started with, and it just feels awkward.

This is something they even do in 'professional' manga and anime, bothers me there too.

A good example of doing it right is Record of lodoss war. They mean business all the way through the anime. While in Legend of zelda OOT, it's about gods and good and evil, but they keep it sorta lighthearted from start to finish. If you catch my drift.

Those spells are a pretty good idea, even though the whole 'each their own cool power' thing has been done over and over (x-men anyone?). But honestly it's still kick-ass and it works, no matter how many times it's done before. Like bullet-time in games.

The antagonist with the 'drinking blood' spell, that's a pretty neat idea that he force-feeds his blood, it's really intruding and violent, it kinda reminds me of being able to get into someone's mind or rape. It really makes him evil.

On the other hand, creating clones that explode at will is incredibly dumb.

If you name your spells, don't let em YELL them loudly when they summon them haha, DESTRUCTO DISK!!!! It just dumbs everything down.


I don't know if arn said it already but teenage kids with amazing skills..., i don't know about that one.

Are you going to follow the laws of physics when it comes to strength and movement? How did they learn all their skills so fast? How effective is it? Sure you have these 5 year old Shaolin monk kids who could beat me in the hospital without trying, but a strong big guy can whoop their asses without any problem.

So a 15 year old girl, no matter how skilled she is, she's still a 15 year old girl. If a beast with the power and mass of a rhino charges at her, she's flat as a pancake, there's nothing left. Those things are bulldozers wrapped in pure rage.

But your beast can be chased with flares. Think about that, following that logic, any guy can chase it right into a trap with fire.

When you use weird currency (Reo), don't forget to make your characters GASP or laugh it away, because readers don't know how much the value of 1 reo is.


Something confuses me about the history too. Heroes sealed some of the power off. Pureblood heroes? Blackblood? Are the main characters all purebloods? Do the warring sides consist of purebloods vs blackbloods or nation of purebloods vs nation of blackbloods? Then why is the antagonist a pureblood too?

I'll be honest here, i'd be rooting for the peasant blackbloods, who don't have spells, who are the toilet of the society set by those fancy pureblood wizards. If they can conjure up the technology to kick those purebloods magic asses then kudos to them, its their good right to stand up for themselves.

Good luck.

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