Speedster!

Do you have a story for a manga you'd like to share or talk about? Then this is the place to be.

Moderators: FirstBorn, Zephio, Ceta

Post Reply
kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Speedster!

Post by kolosos007 » Fri Jun 04, 2010 2:53 pm

Yep...it's my story, one that i hope to turn it into a manga one day :D

Here's a short summary for it:

It's set in a futuristic world, specifically in the beginning of the 22nd century, in the domed city of New Tokyo. In the city there are some people who have a sort of an addiction. Adrenalin junkies, living on the edge and always going for the extreme! Now these people have a special "Condition". Their bodies produce extreme quantities of adrenalin at random times and they literally need to do something incredibly extreme for the adrenalin rush to be over, because if the adrenalin overflows their system and they can't control it they can collapse or even worse. But a good thing about this is that with some practice that large amount of adrenalin can be used to push the body FAR BEYOND the human limits, more specifically using it to propel their bodies at incredible speeds.

Now the story centers around Dashon, a normal everyday kid who is one of those people i was telling you about, but he doesn't know it yet and he just thinks he gets "panic attacks" at times. But soon he gets introduced to what seems to be a ragtag bunch of delinquents who reveal to him that there's more to it than just random "panic attacks". Then he gets dragged into the underground world of illegal races across the city and crazy chases with none other than the New Tokyo's most elite of policeman!!!


In any case, i don't want to post it all here, so here's the link to the 3 chapters i've put up so far :D

http://kolosos666.deviantart.com/art/Sp ... -163589280
http://kolosos666.deviantart.com/art/Sp ... -164565878
http://kolosos666.deviantart.com/art/Sp ... -164743449

Tell me your opinions on it :D
Last edited by kolosos007 on Sat Jun 12, 2010 3:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
Aether
Posts: 1793
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 am
Location: the quieter you become, the more you are able to hear

Post by Aether » Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:58 am

Eh, no thanks. Too lazy to click on link. I tried, sorry.

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Post by kolosos007 » Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:19 pm

Wow....i mean SERIOUSLY......and you bothered posting in this thread, WHY exactly? I mean, you're too lazy to click on the link, but not too lazy to click on the REPLY button, then write that response of yours out then click submit?

I'm sorry sir, but that's just downright rude.

User avatar
Aether
Posts: 1793
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 am
Location: the quieter you become, the more you are able to hear

Post by Aether » Sat Jun 12, 2010 3:34 am

Hey, you're too lazy to format and post it here, I'm too lazy to click on a link and search for some story I don't really care enough about.

User avatar
major banana
Posts: 564
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: belgium

Post by major banana » Sat Jun 12, 2010 11:01 am

If i was a publisher and i'd see a typed out summary, another typed out summary and your link, then i wouldn't even look at the link.

I KNOW, RUDE ISNT IT?


But i'm not a publisher and i was about to check deviantart, so i clicked. I'm not a writer or a pro by far, so you won't get much pointers, i'm just a comic reader so ill give you my opinion.


-Ok first of all, besides giant city domes and energy bar prisons, holographic buttons, pulse rifles and the name 'new tokyo' (ofcourse it's in tokyo), it looks a whole lot like any other random city in the present. And not like the technological center of a 22nd century earth. Cops with handguns in the mall? Neon hoodie? Read a philip k dick scifi novel, or william gibsons neuromancer, there you'll instantly see the technologically advanced society that they are talking about.

-You also do what so many people seem to do, you write a novel to 'present' the story. I don't understand why cause it only makes drawing more difficuilt?

Here like this paragraph,
The man smiled again.
"Like I said…you're a bright kid and I'll give ya that…" As he spoke those words he turned around and kept on walking, raising his voice just so Dashon could hear him. "Come with me and I might tell you that." He raised his left hand, snapping his fingers.
Dashon was lost. He didn't know what to do. Surely the best thing to do was to run away from this mysterious man and go straight home while his dad hasn't come home from his business trip yet. But…he wanted to know. So he kept on walking.
If you DRAW that, it either looks confusing, silly, unneccessairy or it looks completely different from what you described.
The same goes for that bigass matrixfight with those laserkatana's, i wonder how you're gonna draw that.

-the 'action' and the 'racers' are way too similar to the game 'Mirrors edge'

-he has both brown and black messy hair, you might want to change that. He's also a 16year old teen rebel like 5 billion other characters, but everything is done already, right.

-the 'introduction' of those other runners, i don't know about that. It's all so herky jerky with these awkward happenings and i have no clue who all these people are? rad, grin, daichi, dashon, whisper, proxy, all bickering at eachother inbetween their little intros?

-boy discovers hidden superhero powers and finds out he's not alone,...?
I guess nowadays you can't help but borrow from previously made comics or stories. But when reading all this i had the feeling that i already heard all of it recently. This must be THE most overused plot setting in history (aside from 'nerd meets hot chick and gets her in the end')

-why would the army guy take off his helmet to 'show his scar'? He's about to catch a whole group at once, which i'm sure he's done before, many times. Why would he bother doing that instead of just doing his job? Maybe you can show one scarred eye through an opening in the helmet, in close up. And give soldiers some credit, i find it hard to believe that they are a bunch of bumbling idiots like you describe. From what i've experienced, these guys don't exactly joke around.

-you forgot to mention why these people do this and what they are doing. You introduce them all, give us a very vauge idea of what they are, then say that theyre hunted by the government, they beat up a gang of military personnel and voila. So why do i have to root for them? Is the government bad? Is that army commander corrupt? Are those racers a gang of futuristic robin hoods? We don't know any of that. If you let em save a baby and then let the army hunt on them, THEN i'd be fine with the whole soldierfight, especially if the runners tried to escape while doing it. Right now they just look like a gang of violent delinquents, shoved aside by society for good reasons. They start banging up law enforcement when their adrenalin level gets too high? Yea, you're a threat to society, no wonder you get hunted down. Give em a goal, give em something that justifies their actions

-alcohol flamethrower? wtf

Well the good news is, i read it (at least the speedster one). I'd say, work on it, finish it and when you're done writing, cut out EVERYTHING that isn't absolutely necessairy for the story. Then write it again.

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Post by kolosos007 » Sat Jun 12, 2010 3:10 pm

Right! First off, sorry i didn't post the story directly on here. I'll admit i was a bit lazy, so that one's on me. And second, that was some pretty rough stuff you said in there. I had to read it twice to get all of it! But i'm not going to argue with you, you're right for the most part!

NOW, about those things you said:

-The technological advancement of the human race isn't meant to be the center of Speedster, so that's why i didn't put much work into it. But i suppose you're right so I'll work on that :D

-I know that it would be better to write the story in script format but i was thinking write it in..."normal" format like this and if anyone liked the story and wanted to collab with me on a manga i would turn it into a script, because it's no big deal.

-Actually i was KIND OF inspired by Mirror's edge, but i wouldn't call it WAY TOO similar...I'll have to doublecheck though, if you say so. So i'll work on that too.

-I'll fix that. And yes, it's near impossible to make a good original character, but I'll try to make Dashon more unique. :D

-Technically they're not "superhero powers", that's just his assumption. But if you look at it from THAT angle, i guess it IS the most overused plot setting....>.>....Gonna work on that as well.

-The army guy didn't SHOW OFF his scar. He just took off his helmet, that's all.... As for the soldiers, it's not like they're useless. But it IS a little hard to go up against something as fast as Dashon or any of the other people like him. If you were a trained soldier and you went up against a delinquent, you would beat him up right? Now imagine that delinquent moving faster than your eyes can perceive....Not so easy, is it?

-I never said you have to root for them...not yet at least. i DID plan on explaining all of it in the 4th chapter, but now it seems that will have to wait as i have to redo the entire story :cry: :cry: ....

-What? it's awesome ain't it? :lol: :lol: :lol:

All in all thank you for reading the chapters, and as far as the "cut everything out" thing goes....I don't really get it. You want me to just write it out like a plain script? I mean sure i could do that, but just describing actions and appearance of objects, environment and characters doesn't look that good i think....>.>...might be wrong though.

Again thanks alot for....*points at post* all of that, even if i didn't like it, i DO accept criticism. ALSO after this post i'll go and edit the first post with a brief description and the chapters :D

EDIT: RIGHT so i tried posting the chapters in the first post and guess what? They're TOO LONG for one post! And that's prolly why i put a link in the first place!!! So...yah! There you go!

User avatar
Aether
Posts: 1793
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 am
Location: the quieter you become, the more you are able to hear

Post by Aether » Sun Jun 13, 2010 3:55 am

-The technological advancement of the human race isn't meant to be the center of Speedster, so that's why i didn't put much work into it. But i suppose you're right so I'll work on that
Whether or not you think it's related to the story, covering all your bases and researching everything you need to know is the best thing you can do. You don't want people sitting there saying, "LOL UR RONG" do you?

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Post by kolosos007 » Sun Jun 13, 2010 12:56 pm

I said i'll work on it...jeez....
And you didn't even read the chapters so you have no right to argue with me :x

User avatar
major banana
Posts: 564
Joined: Mon Nov 20, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: belgium

Post by major banana » Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:38 am

Rough stuff? I'm not english or american if that's what you mean. And i tried to be civilized, if that's what you mean.

Also everyone has a right to argue with you, it's a good point in general. If you write a sci-fi story, people expect your sci-fi world to be 'realistic' in its own way. The big advantage of thinking out an entire world (even if you're not going to use half of it) is that you won't have silly inconsistencies anywhere. I know plenty of comics that don't care about inconsistencies or explaining 'impossible' things to the reader, and they're usually crap.

With cutting everything out, i mean that you should only draw what's necessairy, only what adds to the story. Anything else will slow it down or make it longer than it has to be. I don't mean rewrite the story. Besides it's not like your very first draft is instantly perfect to draw.

User avatar
Aether
Posts: 1793
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 7:54 am
Location: the quieter you become, the more you are able to hear

Post by Aether » Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:21 pm

You may also want to do a lot of research into the adverse effects of adrenaline on the human body. More notably, organs.
Adrenaline actually redistributes blood flow from inner organs and skin. It also increases muscle glycogen degradation.

I only say this because adrenaline is such a huge part of your story.

Now, onto your story.
In the middle 21st century a meteor shower ravaged Earth.
Oh, cool. So in 6 billion years of the Earth's known existence, with no actual meteor showers colliding with Earth due to the sheer velocity and the atmosphere we have, it chooses this century. I mean, you do realise that for a meteor to actually enter the atmosphere it has to be made of a non-metallic substance? Because, you know, natural magnetic field. The magnetic field is due to the Earth having a metallic core.
and the 60% of the human population who survived underground
This is actually not a bad number of survival considering this is portrayed to being such a catastrophic event. Cut a 0 off the end and you'll have yourself a far more interesting number.
And they survived underground, no less. A meteor shower which would take approximately 2 minutes to subside.
How the hell would you get 60% of the world underground within 2 minutes? Hell, why would you even need to?
Oh, another factor to put in is that if we were to have such an event happen, the mass added to the world by said meteors would actually fuck the Earth so hard off it's axis, it would destroy the world.
TL;DR: We'd get close to the sun and die.
came out on the surface and built giant dome-cities to live in
Why the hell would we build giant dome-cities? What purpose would that even fulfill? To prevent further meteor showers from completely destroying us 6 billion years into the future? Or...
By the way, my ellipsis usage was correct. I'm pointing this out now, because I'll be picking at grammar later on.
Our story takes place in New Tokyo, the technological center of the "New" Earth.
Why Tokyo? It has very little resources. It's isolated, which would be detrimental to trading with the 60% of the world you're talking about. Which, in turn, would push them further down from being the center of the "New" Earth and more to a support role.
There inside the dome every day is a thrill
What? Please use grammar.
There, inside the dome every day, is a thrill; but not everyone is ready to experience it.
Oh, I see now. That's much better.
Now, I'd love to tell you that this story is about your normal, everyday kid who somehow gets trust into an adventure by a lucky twist of fate.
He's trust into adventure? Wait, wait, wait. What? Trust? I think you mean thrust here, buddy.
But the thing is….he was REALLY asking for it you know?
Bad usage of capitols is bad. Next time, use italics or bold instead.
Earth...and
in…..That's
is….he
Do you know what an ellipsis is used for? It's used to signify an omission in speech. What are you omitting here? If this is you trying to tell us that you're pausing, you are bad. This is why we have commas and full stops.

This is only the first paragraph. I could go on. Would you like me to?

By the way, have you seen the movie Wanted?

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Post by kolosos007 » Mon Jun 14, 2010 10:42 pm

*facepalm* I fail so hard.... :( :( :(

And yes, do continue Aether.....

Also, yes i have seen the movie Wanted.

User avatar
Ceta
MWS moderator
Posts: 1674
Joined: Tue Jul 25, 2006 5:15 pm
Location: The local book store

Post by Ceta » Wed Jun 16, 2010 12:31 pm

Aether wrote:
Our story takes place in New Tokyo, the technological center of the "New" Earth.
Why Tokyo? It has very little resources. It's isolated, which would be detrimental to trading with the 60% of the world you're talking about. Which, in turn, would push them further down from being the center of the "New" Earth and more to a support role.
Just felt that I should add that most island countries, like Japan, as well as all other smaller countries would likely get wiped off the face of the planet if the destruction were as bad as he made it sound. If not by the meteors themselves, then no doubt due to tidal waves and the shifting of the tectonic plates. The movie 2012, although not dealing with meteors, does show how fragile Japan can be when it comes to large-scale environmental disasters.

kolosos007
Posts: 36
Joined: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:42 pm

Post by kolosos007 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 1:16 am

Well i just finished writing chapter 4 :? Ah well...
http://kolosos666.deviantart.com/art/Sp ... -169615506

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests